Glossary
Psychological abuse: key terms defined
Plain-language definitions of the words used to describe psychological and emotional abuse — coercive control, gaslighting, trauma bonding, love bombing, DARVO and more. Having the right word is often the first step toward seeing the pattern.
Much of what makes subtle abuse hard to name is that it has no name in everyday conversation. These definitions are written the way Dr. Avery Neal uses them in clinical practice and in her books: descriptions of patterns, not diagnoses, and not a substitute for care from a qualified professional.
- Psychological abuse
- A repeated pattern of behavior that undermines another person's sense of worth, safety, and confidence in their own perception of reality. It includes criticism, humiliation, intimidation, isolation, monitoring, and control, and it is defined by the pattern and its effect over time rather than by any single incident.
- Emotional abuse
- Behavior aimed at how a person feels about themselves — contempt, criticism, blame, rejection, and withheld affection. In everyday use it is interchangeable with psychological abuse; clinically, psychological abuse is the broader term that also covers control of perception and freedom of action.
- Subtle abuse
- Harmful behavior quiet enough that it is mistaken for honesty, stress, or personality. There is no incident dramatic enough to point to, so the person living inside it usually blames themselves first.
- Coercive control
- An ongoing strategy of domination that narrows a person's money, movement, contact with others, and account of events. In several countries sustained coercive control is a criminal offense on its own, with no physical violence required.
- Gaslighting
- Repeatedly denying, reframing, or rewriting events so that a person begins to doubt their own memory and judgment. The purpose is not to win an argument but to make the other person's perception unreliable to themselves.
- Trauma bonding
- The strong attachment that forms when affection and harm come from the same person in an unpredictable cycle. Relief after tension is experienced as closeness, which is why leaving can feel like losing something rather than escaping it.
- Love bombing
- Intense attention, praise, and commitment early in a relationship, delivered faster than trust could reasonably be built. It sets a high standard that later withdrawal is measured against, and it makes the change feel like the other person's loss rather than a pattern.
- Stonewalling
- Withdrawing from contact or conversation — silence, refusal to respond, leaving the room — used as punishment or leverage rather than as a genuine pause.
- The silent treatment
- A sustained form of stonewalling in which contact is withheld until the other person concedes or apologizes. Its effect is to make connection conditional on compliance.
- DARVO
- A response pattern researchers describe as Deny, Attack, and Reverse Victim and Offender: the behavior is denied, the person raising it is criticized, and the roles are flipped so the one who was harmed ends up apologizing.
- Intermittent reinforcement
- Unpredictable alternation between warmth and withdrawal. Because the good moments cannot be anticipated, hope stays alive and the relationship becomes harder to leave than a consistently unhappy one.
- Hypervigilance
- A state of constant scanning — tone, timing, facial expression — to anticipate another person's mood. It is exhausting, and it is one of the clearest signs that a nervous system has adapted to living with unpredictability.
- Isolation
- The gradual narrowing of a person's world: friendships that become complicated, family visits that cause conflict, interests quietly dropped. It is rarely announced; it usually looks like a series of reasonable requests.
- Financial abuse
- Control of money used as control of a person — restricting access to accounts, requiring justification for spending, interfering with work, or building debt in the other person's name.
- Betrayal trauma
- Trauma caused by harm from a person the survivor depends on for safety or care. Because the source of the harm is also the source of support, the usual response of seeking protection is not available.
- Self-gaslighting
- The habit of explaining away one's own experience — minimizing, rationalizing, or finding reasons the other person was right. It typically outlasts the relationship and is one of the first things recovery has to address.
The book
Loving You Shouldn't Be Hurting Me
Dr. Avery Neal's research-backed guide to recognizing psychological abuse and healing its effects on the body and the mind.
Keep reading
Signs of psychological abuse in a relationship
The patterns that show up long before anyone calls it abuse.
Psychological abuse vs. emotional abuse
How the two terms overlap, and where clinicians draw the line.
Healing from psychological abuse
The Neal Method and the CLEAR framework for recovery.
What is emotional abuse?
The definition, the common signs, and why it is so hard to name.
Am I being psychologically abused?
Ten questions that help you see a pattern you may be explaining away.
Coercive control: signs and examples
How control narrows money, movement, contact, and your own account of events.
About Dr. Avery Neal
Her clinical practice, research, books, courses and work with health systems.